"I love you too much."

So, I had my insulin resistance test this week. I got a call on Thursday saying that my results had come in and that I WAS insulin resistant and the RE wanted me in to "discuss treatment". Great, awesome. Never mind the fact that while I was there for that I finally got the results from the last time I was there. (I guess I missed their call and had no missed calls because of shitty cell reception? I don't know. Lesson learned: badger the office after 2 days.) Everything was normal, except... I have a vaginal infection. I think it was bacterial vaginosis, but I can't really be sure of what she said. I'll ask at my appointment on Tuesday. Anyway, I got antibiotics for that. The only other issue was that my testosterone was, "high normal". I just want to know where the damn infection came from, how long I've had it, and if it's a huge deal. Of course, my mind jumps to, "yep, it has wreaked havoc throughout your reproductive tract and you're full of scar tissue. give up." The nurse acted like it was no big deal (aside from telling me REPEATEDLY that this was NOT an STD lol), but in my own usual fashion I'm freaking out about it.

Back to the insulin resistance, though. I can't help but be upset about it. I have no idea what it means for me, and I know a lot of people are insulin resistant and are given Metformin and go on to be perfectly fine and conceive and all... but that's generally in women with PCOS. I don't have cystic ovaries, but now we know that I'm insulin resistant and I have "high normal" testosterone, so it seems like my blood work points to PCOS without the cystic ovaries. I don't know. I guess I'll know more on Tuesday.

I can't help but feel stressed out and completely overwhelmed. A huge part of me feels like giving up right now. I'm overweight, out of shape, and now I know I'm insulin resistant. I just feel like maybe we should take a break for a year or so and let me work on losing a billion pounds before we tackle this whole trying to conceive thing.

J is upset with me. I told him tonight I just wanted to give up, I don't want to try anymore and I just need a break. The Clomid is making me incredibly moody and emotional anyway, so I've been a real peach to be around the past few days, on top of being upset about the news from the doctor. He just sort of shook his head and told me it'd be fine, that I was just upset and I didn't really mean it. I said I did mean it, that I was really done with all of this. He didn't say much more about it and ended up going to bed early. I went to lay down with him and he hugged me and kissed me and said, "I love you too much." So, naturally, I had to start crying. I'm so thankful for him. I have no idea how I could do this without his support.